Tales of ChinchillaMoose

As I sit alone I realize only one thing: I am alone in utter pain.

Then big, fat tears roll down my cheeks and I feel despair. I feel this big hole in my chest start to open up from this pain. And the razor blade pain starts to open other holes that previously resided there.

I find myself asking questions…Why did this happen? Why does this hurt so much? Why, why, why. Why I can’t breathe? Why can’t I sleep? Why can I not eat? Why do I toss and turn? Why do I feel so worthless? Why do I feel so rejected? Why am I not wanted? Why do you make me feel like I’m nothing? What is wrong with me? Why do I let myself feel this way? Why does this pain seem everlasting? Am I a freak? Am I an ugly, no good, monster? Will I ever find someone who won’t deceive me? Will I ever find someone who will want me? Will I want them back as much as I want this?

But now and then I wonder if I’m asking the right questions. This is how it is. This is how things have turned out. Yes. You made mistakes. Yes. They did too. Yes. It sucks. “You are letting yourself kill yourself slowly.” I know. “Why do you do this to yourself? It doesn’t help.” I know. “Then why don’t you stop? If you know all these things…” I don’t know.

Maybe I need to start asking How can you make yourself happy? What doyouwant to do thatyoucan control? What is healthy?

I can be positive these questions are good questions to ask myself other than those others, however, how can I be positive when I feel so…unwanted. How can I move on when maybe, just maybe I really am worthless…

It’s such an ongoing battle for me. I won’t lie to you people.

Years ago, I never would have came out and express myself like this for people to see. But I realize now, that’s the only way to keep going…

It helps me. And I hope…with all my heart that for one of your who read this…it helps you too.

Because itisdepressing no doubt to read my blogs and posts sometimes…but…if you feel this way too…realization that you’re NOT alone in your pain has made me gain a little more confidence.

Pain is normal. Pain happens. Life isn’t always easy. So why should we pretend it is?

It helps to get things out there and to talk about it…and maybe I can be a depressing person at times…but I can also be fun, quirky, loving, adventurous, exciting, goofy, and a lot of “happy” qualities too.

So with that said, I apologize for my recent “sad” posts…but I am having a “sad” time in my life right now and I just feel so lost and lonely.

There…I said it. But now that I have…I am going to say I’m happy I have friends who care…

Even though some people might not care…IDOhave people there who care.

I must keep a constant pop-up in my head to tell me this…because it’s really easy to isolate myself…even in a crowded room.

I know things happen for somereason. And I know it takes time for some things to heal…
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to feel this way…

I wanted to keep my blog up..and honestly I’m not really sure what happened.

But I am going to attempt to keep it going AND keep anyone who is interested posted on the progress of moving cities.

It’s a big change…and I’m afraid. Scared. But…I’m excited to experience something I can honestly say I’ve never experienced: True Independence. 

Even though quite frankly, that’s not the hell where my mind is right now. It’s too focused on being with a company I’m likely to not have for awhile…but I have to focus on something I also have never truly focused on: Me.

Keep me straight peeps…

(Source: Spotify)